New Zealand
December 25 - December 29
"My dad is still alive. He is in his early 70s. I’m 45, and he, I would say, has given me opportunities his own father deliberately deprived him of. He was definitely a clever scholar. His passion is cars. He went through training as an A grade mechanic. He was actually the top student of his year group. He graduated top student in the
country, and even though it’s a small country, it was quite an achievement. Rolls Royce was willing to pay for his airfare to fly to Britain for an apprenticeship and train in their workshops, and then it would almost invariably have led on to a career with Rolls Royce. He is someone who is fascinated by engines and cars, and his father said no."
Winnie sat next to her husband at the table in front of the windows to the back porch as she told her story. The back porch looked out onto the Porirua harbor, which is a 30-minute trip from Wellington, the capital of New Zealand. I landed in New Zealand on Christmas, and I was missing my family. However, Eric and his family took me in and welcomed me into their home. They took me hiking, to the beach, and even introduced me to a couple Kiwis for interviews. One of whom was Winnie:
"The other thing is that my mom and dad broke up when I was 3 years old, so I was raised by my mom. I know that my dad applied for a green card to the states and we got one. That was a big deal when we traveled all the way to the states. My mom made it hard for my dad when they broke up. He had to get special authorization from the court to take me out of the country. I traveled with Dad around the states, and in hindsight, I discovered that he was looking at the possibility of starting a new life there. I think he was devastated when things didn’t work
out here with my mom, and for him, America was the land of opportunity. He had the opportunity and he walked away from it because he realized he would miss watching me grow up. That’s probably what I can tell you about my dad. He is a pretty outstanding person. One of the most outstanding things about my dad was that he’s never ever held me back. I’m an only child. Any opportunity I have had, he’s not only encouraged me, but he’s also done anything he could to make it possible."
Winnie’s story of her dad warms my heart for a couple reasons. First, Winnie’s grandfather completely changed the course of her dad’s life by objecting to an opportunity to pursue his passion, and he took that experience to encourage Winnie in her opportunities. Second, another opportunity presented itself in America, and he decided against moving away from his daughter so he could watch her grow up. The third reason is how he shared his gifts with his daughter, which Winnie described next:
"I did amazing things with my dad, far more interesting than what I did with my mother. I lived full time with my mother and I had one weekend out of two that I would be with my dad and half of the school holidays. He lived nearby, but I wouldn’t see him. With my mom, I was involved with whatever she happened to be doing, but with my dad we did thoughtful, special activities like, making a kite that we went to fly it. He even taught
me all about the physics of the structure. We made a go-kart complete with a handbrake. Mechanics, engines, we had a little fun with the go-kart. He taught me to sew curtains – he was a very practical person. We used to solder electric circuit boards together. I’ve actually got little scars on my fingers from the hot soldering iron from activities that we did together. He was very involved as a father, sharing knowledge and values."
The memories Winnie has of her father’s life tell her that she is a top priority for him. I think if your kids feel this way then you are having a good impact on them. Jason, the father of a friend of Eric’s daughter, certainly felt this way about his father when he told me his story:
"When I think back now I think one of the greatest gifts he’d given my brother and I was the ability to problem solve. He wouldn’t tell us how to solve problems –he’d make us work through it. He would coach you by saying, “Yes, that’s one way, but what about another way?” One time we had an old car and one of the front breaks had basically sprung a leak and had no brakes. Plus, it didn’t have rear brakes. He was about to fix it but first he said, “What do you think?” I said, “Well, the breaks are under hydraulic pressure and maybe we could jerry-rig something in the back wheels.” He said that’s not going to work so I said, “The leak, can we patch the leak?” He looked around for something that could patch the leak and found a busted
hose, but we couldn’t find anything that would hold under pressure. He had a saying: there is always a solution to the problem. He told me to just go to the problem, what’s the problem. I told him that when you press the brakes all the fluid leaks out of this hole but we can’t fix the hole. He said, “Can’t we?” I finally got the solution, reached in the toolbox, and we clamped the hose off. That brake didn’t work but the other one did. You just needed one brake to get home. It was things like that he would do. It wasn’t just practical problems though. There was teenage angst and girls and he would always say that we could take the problem and look at it from a different perspective."
Like Winnie’s dad, Jason’s dad prioritized his children and shared his gift with them. These practical skills and life skills are where Dad can come in to save the day at times. The only reason I know how to change a tire or check the fluids in a car is because my mom would make me watch the mechanic as a boy whenever her car needed work. I would be inside watching T.V. and my mom would call for me, “Nigel, go outside and watch while he works on the car.” There are certain things parents feel their kids should know and they figure out how to make sure they understand. In his advice, Jason added that your kids should understand who you are through your consistency:
"There’s beauty in simplicity and you have to be consistent. They have to know who and what they’re dealing with. That goes with any relationship, but for kids, you are the one point in the world when everything is flying around you are stable. If not, they have nothing to hold on to. They just get lost in the storm. It’s also important to listen even when he forgets that you were once a
15-year-old boy. Listen to them and sometimes that’s really hard. You could say, “Yep yep yep.” Those are the times when what they really want to tell you is sometimes hidden, and if you’re not listening intently, you could miss it. Then they could say, “He’s not listening so I’ll talk to my friends.” They’ll talk to another 15-year-old boy who’s no shit."
Jason sounds a bit cynical about the advice 15-year-old boys would give each other, and I do not blame him– it would be like the blind leading the blind. Jason’s point about making your kids feel heard resonates with me. The fatherhood relationship depends heavily on two-way communication. The moment someone feels as though you are not taking them seriously there is not much motivation to tell you much more.
New Zealand offered me much more than their beautiful landscape when these interviews encouraged me to reflect on my priorities and how much I listen. One of the best skills this trip is teaching me is self-reflection, which causes me to look at the values upon which I can improve. Winnie asked me if I am worried about potentially being a dad one day, and I told her no. Although there is no manual to this huge responsibility, my worries about being a good dad have quieted because of the growing habit of self-reflection that helps me look how I can improve the impactI have on people I meet. So, as I continue to grow, I will improve at keeping my priorities straight and at listening more closely until I have a family of my own.
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